literature

The Myth of the Moon

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Once upon a time, there was a girl. This girl was not ordinary; she was the key to the future. Her people knew that she would be the key ever since she was born. She was always meant to be sacrificed to the sun God, Helios. Without a sacrifice, Helios would take the sun away from the people to make them suffer in darkness for the rest of eternity. Her people knew not what life was like without the sun, or without light. There was nothing other than the sun. The sun was all that her people had for all of the centuries since it was created.

The people of Solaria were generous people. The girl, Selene, was cherished like a queen to make up for the sacrifice. Anything that little Selene wanted, she would get, and at no cost or restraint. But this caused Selene to become a selfish child. Her demands left the rest of her people in poverty. The young, selfish girl threatened her people. Selene was blessed with the beauty of a queen, or even a goddess. From birth, she had colorless hair that lengthened rapidly every year. She was pale, as she refused to have the sun touch her skin and as gluttonous as her greed was, she was thin. It was said the coldness of her heart turned her eyes an icy blue.

"I suppose you do not want to keep the sun then," she would often say. With every passing year her hunger for power worsened, and by the time she was thirteen, her self-indulgence was unstoppable. The people were anxiously awaiting her sixteenth birthday, when Helios was to come for her. The people of Solaria considered this a gift, as they were hardly able to meet Selene's commands year after year.

On Selene's fourteenth birthday, her needs exceeded what her people could provide. She controlled Solaria, and cast the king and queen aside. She pushed her people past poverty, which led many of them starved to death. Not even her parents were exempt from her cruel behavior; they lived among the rest in wreckage.

But it was on her fourteenth birthday that she received a special gift that she had not asked for. It was not a gift that she expected to receive nor did she see it coming. On Selene's fourteenth birthday, the selfish little girl fell in love.

Yes it is true; little Selene fell in love. And the boy loved her back just as much as she did him. His name was Nebulon. He was of noble blood from another region of the world. His people, the people of Galexious, normally kept their distance from the people of Solaria, but he went against his people as well as against the royal rule to propose to Selene. His people forbid it, as they knew of her special purpose in the world, but he refused to listen, he was in love with her power; Nebulon was just as selfish as Selene. He wanted to take her hand and throne, so that he could rule independently from his family. He would marry her only to throw her to Helios when the time came. The two met and at once fell deeply in love. Not for greed, power, or lust; he loved her like no one else could, and she did the same for him. They truly loved each other.

Nebulon took Selene as his queen and Selene took Nebulon as her king, and just as Selene looked the part of a queen, Nebulon did so for a king. He was tall for his young age, and built like a warrior. In his twenty years of life, he showed that he was also an accomplished fighter. His hair was dark as were his eyes and sun tanned skin. With the love for each other growing every day, the two ruled Solaria and brought peace back to its people. The king and queen paid no mind to Selene's purpose as the key. By Selene's fifteenth birthday, the two had softened each other with love alone; each was changed the other completely. Selene was no longer selfish, and she was kind to her people. Nebulon returned to Galexious to apologize to his people. He asked for his parent's blessing, which they happily gave with sorrow in their eyes as they spoke to their blind son.

As the day of Selene's sixteenth birthday became closer and closer, the royal couple became once again bitter towards the two kingdoms. Nebulon had no intention of finding a new bride. He thought that his love alone would be enough to keep Selene by his side, but Selene was still kind. She did not want to betray her people. Selene was confused and lost; she knew not what to do. The people of Solaria and Galexious, as well as all other kingdoms in reach came to pay their respects to Selene on her sixteenth birthday. All of the people of the world awaited the return of Helios. He had not returned to earth since the day Selene was born. He arrived from the sky by a golden chariot. Driven by four stallions set ablaze, he rode to the ground with utmost control of his companions. People cleared way for him as he leapt out of his chariot. He was as tall as three tall men and built as if made of stone. His body gave off a radiant golden glow than matched his fully golden eyes. His crimson chlamys sternly fluttered as a forceful wind set in.

"Almighty Helios," the crowd called out, preached, and chanted but he waved his hand for silence.

"Where is my maiden?" Helios asked. The crowd instantly turned to the tallest tower in the city, in which Selene and Nebulon were awaiting the God's arrival, their fingers interlaced. "What is this? Do you mock me girl?" Helios roared as he flew hundreds of feet to them. Nebulon stepped forward, but Selene sent him back. She walked forward alone, as all the eyes of all of the people watched.

"I am ready Helios, almighty God of the sun. Take me away." she said with uncertainty in her voice. Helios approached her and placed his hand near her stomach.

"You take me for a fool! I can sense the child growing within you. You have already been taken!" Helios bellowed in rage and at once the sun began to retreat. "You shall never see the sun again." Helios said as cold as the future seemed.

"Wait Helios, take my life instead of my hand. Spare the people in exchange for my life" Selene cried out, falling to her knees. Helios took interest in her offer and began to contemplate it.

"Hold on Helios!" shouted Nebulon, breaking Helios' concentration. "I challenge you to a battle to the death, for the rights to the sun and Selene!" Nebulon proposed. Gods were immortal unless challenged to fight to the death. It was also possible that if a mortal was able to kill a God, that mortal would then become a God to replace the slain one. Helios laughed at the thought.

"You dare challenge me? If you wish to amuse me, then I will accept your challenge, for there is no chance of you defeating me. I will enjoy killing you, for taking what was properly a God's to begin with. If I win I will take Selene and the sun to my kingdom, slay you and consume the unborn child. If you somehow manage to win you may take my place as God of the sun." Helios offered. The crowd stood silent, unaware of what was to become of them.

"I accept your conditions." Nebulon shouted strongly. The crowd cheered Nebulon as he was their last hope for keeping the sun.

"Very well, the battle shall take place one hour before the sun sets once and for all, in my sacred shrine here in Solaria. You will have one hour to defeat me before the sun is gone forever. Come alone, if at all." Helios said sternly before disappearing before them.

The people grew silent, as no one knew if Nebulon had the necessary skill to defeat the might of Helios. Selene wept in Nebulon's arms. "I shall emerge victorious for our right to love." he promised her. "I swear on our baby's name. We shall be together with immortality. No God can keep us apart". The battle of a life time; the battle over the sun was to happen in a few short hours.

Once the hour had come, Nebulon kissed Selene goodbye, and left fully armored for Helios' shrine. Selene wept as she knew she could not be with Nebulon during what could be his last hour alive. She waited and waited as she watched the first sunset in history. She watched from her tower, as the sun retreated, leaving shadows and darkness behind. She cried out as it neared the end. As she lost all hope, as the last of the sunlight approached depletion, it halted. With a gasp, Selene knew that Nebulon was successful. She left her tower and ran to the shrine where she met Nebulon standing victoriously near the defeated God. She ran into his embrace and he took her, but he fell to his knees soon after.

"My love, I have won, but I cannot go on. I am too deeply injured and my developing powers are not rapid enough." Nebulon said in a sigh as Selene's tears of joy turned to sorrow. Nebulon placed his hand on Selene's stomach. With a vibrant yellow glow, he let out a cry of pain. "Selene, my love, I am giving the child my powers. He shall be the new God of the sun. His name shall be Sol. Now my time on earth must come to an end." Nebulon said as the glowing began to fade. Once the shine was gone, Nebulon fell to his death. Selene held his body and cried until the sun came up once more.

Selene, now widowed, alone, and miserable, became a cruel soul for the months until the birth of her son. As Sol's birth approached, Selene became ill, and when he was finally born, Selene died. It was Sol's immortality that was keeping her alive; she had died alone of heart break on the day that Nebulon won the sun for the people of earth. Sol sent Selene's body far away into the sky. Her body then became a large, spherical orb. With Nebulon's soul in the sun and Selene's in what Sol named the moon, the times were set: day and night respectively. Both Nebulon and Selene had finally reached immortality. Nebulon, forever as the sun, would chase Selene, as the moon, for the rest of eternity.
Here are some questions that I would love for you to answer:

:bulletblack:Did you notice any plot holes?
:bulletblack:Was there a good balance of original story and real mythology?
:bulletblack:Imagery always seems to be my downfall, so where is it lacking? What was good, what was bad about it?
:bulletblack:Any other feedback is always welcome!


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*Note: for theWrittenRevolution, a recent critique of someone else's work is required, so here is one [link] .
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Lammalord's avatar
Well, first off, I liked your balance of mythology(or fairly tale as the tone feels more like) and original story - you do make it sound almost as if it's a real myth. But yes as mentioned before you really need to show the battle. yes, he has to go alone, and yes the story follows Selene - but maybe make it so that she somehow sneaks in to watch or that she somehow find outs the events of the battle some other way (when Nebulon transfers the powers?) so that we as readers can see just how he defeats the god.

also my biggest concern was the way the story was written, I feel as a story this would be better in a present tense, or with more description and attention to detail if its in past, but as a myth i could see it as it is (the same type of tone)- but even so this sounds like something an in-experienced grandmother (at story telling) would tell her grandchildren before bedtime to try and rush them to bed when they ask for a story. It lacks any real attention to detail and has that "oooooo ahhhhh this and this and this" vibe to it. Maybe if you lingered on everything a bit longer, describe events a bit more, or find a better way to describe the passing of time. I just feel at present it feels more like a rushed fairy tale than a well developed myth.

Anyways, sorry if I'm a bit harsh - plot wise I really do like it, an it seems fairly mythical as a myth of the moon (and the sun) - it really just needs a little bit of tweaking here and there to make it sound more like some professionally story-teller is telling the myth :)

-Cameron